Joke Archive
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It got so cold it froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As it lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the little bird singing, and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and then ate him. The morals of the story are: 1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy... 2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend... 3. When you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR". Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man. You do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut and again the barber refused payment saying "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man. You protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut and again the barber refused payment saying "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man. You serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.
There are three words in the English language that end in "gry". ONE is angry and the other is hungry. EveryONE knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for. EveryONE uses them everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I've given you the third word. What is it?________gry?